right.

in my next life, i want to be born in a Western country. preferably not blonde though.

i just got an email from the arts faculty asking if i wanted to change over from my BA to a BA/BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) and my first thought was yay! one of my ambitions was to become a social worker. seems like a great thing to do you know? help people, get great sense of job satisfaction from helping them, you get to make a difference. a small difference, but a difference all the same.

after the initial yay moment passed, i thought about it more and after 5 minutes, i realised it was completely hopeless. i will never become a social worker. not because i dont want to but because of the lack of support i will get from the people that are important to me.

when i first brought up the idea with justin (ages ago, before i even GOT this email) his immediate reaction was negative. he said something about low income bla bla bla not enough to survive on bla bla bla. he's so practical sometimes i can't stand it. and he NEVER supports anything i want to do. he assumes its all flights of fancy, things i'd wanna do for the moment but never want to follow through. wouldn't kill him to be more supportive right?

anyway. boyfriend aside, i thought of my moms reaction. let's just say that i should be used to justin's non supportiveness seeing as how my mom is the probably the worst mother in the world when it comes to believing in what i can achieve. those of you about to chastise me for talking about my mom that way, stop reading and shut the fuck up. you didn't live my life, you don't know what its like. so! the first thing my mom would probably complain about is that it adds another year to my degree. she'll tell me that i'm wasting money on my education and that i probably just should stop studying and go be a noodle seller. secondly, she'd complain that half of everyone is already asking about what i do and that telling them i'm doing social work will just make her ashamed and even more embarassed of me.

speaking of which, my mom called last night. we got into an argument once again because the night before she attended a dinner and everybody was asking her what her daughter was doing. now this really pissed me off because i know for a fact that they're just being annoying and they KNOW that i restarted my course and that i'm NOT in my final year and that i'm doing international relations.

so you know what i'm going to do?

i'm going to reply the email to the nice person who sent it to me, telling her that no, i am perfectly happy with my arts degree and my major and that i am not interested in social work at all. and then i'm going to take a nice long shower and go about doing my things like this doesn't affect me at all. and when i go back home in a week, i'm not even going to mention this to my mother. because even if i DO tell her and she says no (which she will) and i start sulking, a big argument will ensue during which i will probably get slapped and then i'll be even unhappier.

that's just me right? the girl everyone can fucking push around. the one that has to give in to everyone around me because i am the youngest and i have to "respect" everyone. fuck this man. my life is just one big depressing shithole and it will never get any better than this. i will always be the underdog, the one that gets the smallest room, the one that everyone blames when anything goes wrong. in fact, i think when my eldest sister moves out at the end of the year and makes my mom go ballistic, she will somehow pile all the blame on me. she'll say something like i argued with her too much (even though i'm not home most of the time) and drove her out of the house.

i've had enough of the shitty end of the stick. for once i wish i could get away from all this. a life without pressure, without expectations, without blame. i think i'm just damned.