Friday, November 04, 2005

like Yan says...

i'm about to 'crack my whip' again. Songers will probably say i'm going all JuOn again but it's my blog and i'm not going to censor my thoughts for the sensibilities of you people out there who are ignorant and unfeeling.

right. it's 2.15am and i'm in a 'mood'. for some reason i couldn't sleep (which is rare) and thoughts wandered back to high school in Malaysia, which obviously wasn't a happy time for me seeing as how i was probably the most unpopular girl in school back then. i hear people telling me all the time 'omg i wasn't popular either, i know EXACTLY how you feel'. no you dont.

i think about the degrading things that happened, the cruelty that can only be inflicted by high school students on their peers. i remember the voting polls that were put up on the net, my name on the top of that list for the most hated girl in school. i remember getting on extremely well with the boys (less backstabbing among their ranks you see) and being extremely hated for it. i remember the bitching, the rumours, the disparaging remarks. how those girls hit the ball at me because they knew i wouldn't be able to hit it back.

i see those people in uni now, they think i dont remember the prank phone calls, the times they shunted me out of their little clique, never picking me to be in their giggly 'look-at-me' groups for projects. while we exchange greetings, they think i don't remember the bitchiness, the 'oh my god, she's so weird, she speaks with like this accent' just because my English was not sub standard and i had spent some time in an Adelaide primary school. they think i dont remember the times they called me stuck up and snobbish behind my back, always going on outings, purposely leaving me out, telling new people not to befriend me because i, in comparison to all you other brainless gits, was different.

those of you who went to high school with me and read this (as of now, i can only think of you Chungers) you may not have been aware of how unhappy i was back then. always ready with a smile, a sarcarstic remark, ready to crack jokes. but in the mornings it would be difficult for me to get out of bed and face being the outcast.

about a year ago when all the Malaysian students started filtering into Melbourne i have to admit i was unhappy. i had come here to escape from them, to get away from the snide laughter but here they were. i didn't know how to face them. i so badly wanted them to know i had changed, that the tables had turned, that i was no longer than awkward girl you could laugh at. at the same time i was perhaps a bit hesitant. high school prejudices stay with you for always.

by coincidence, one of them had joined a youth group outing that i happened to be on. the look of shock on her face when she saw me was priceless. compounded by the fact that she didn't really have any friends there and i knew all the girls. secretly, i was thinking 'hah. now you know what it feels like to be left out and alone.' i enjoyed watching her and her social awkwardness. in fact, i pointedly ignored her and only acknowledged her greeting with a slight nod. the icing on the cake however, was when one of the other girls in the outing stared at my high school acquaintance and said in an extremely disdainful tone 'who's THAT? she's ugly!'

revenge, had never been that good.

since then i have learned to somewhat ignore them. at least give them a friendly wave as they pass. high school was such a long time away, and no matter how much i dwell on my grievances, i will never be able to turn back the time (i wish very hard that i could) and change the situation.

perhaps, i was too arrogant for my own good back then. maybe the slight accent did make me feel different from everyone else. a certain person i know always accuses of me putting the blame on everyone but myself. who likes being blamed for something? but the degradation you feel when you are in a position such as mine cannot be rivalled. i will always be just a little bit vindictive when it comes to them. i will silently gloat as i see them end relationships at the shitty end of the stick. i will feel disheartened when learning of their successes in life.

that makes me sadistic yes, but i believe we all have a side of that in us. some of you are just too pussy to admit it. on that note, there is no one person in this world that can HONESTLY say that they wish everybody they know well.

you see, in high school and in life, it is always a competition. in high school, the head bitch will feel threatened by another such person appearing and make it a point to discredit her with all her might. in uni, you feel slightly annoyed that the lecturer hasn't given you that one mark to put you on par with the girl next to you. at work, you silently, or not so silently rant about another person, who it seems has not done as much work as you have but seems to be getting all the credit.

i have learnt that while forgiving and forgetting may well be the best path to be on, the little part of me that remains vindictive will be my motivation for wanting to prove myself to all these people. to prove that i am now better, faster, smarter, more witty than before.

petty that may seem to other people, it's important to me.


Anonymous Yan said...

I must have done something really right to warrant a mention on your blog :p

This post made me think back to the days when I was in school (obviously many moons ago...). Although it is unfair to say that I didn't enjoy high school, there were moments that I rather not not talk about anymore.

Funny thing was, I was relatively popular and had my own little clique. But I was unhappy. If you think it is hard to hide that you've been crying, try doing that when you share a room with your sister and mother (!!!, yes, I shared a room with mom but that's a whole new post altogether :P). What's worse than being backstabbed and shunned by the people you hate (and hated you) is to be hurt by those you trusted.

So here I am ripping open all my wounds again :p

I'm happier now, not much but definitely better. So there, it's allll good now. Tee hee :)

P/s: I remember all the voting BS. I think I came last in the 'Prettiest Girl from [insertschoolnamehere]' with one vote... which I think came from this guy who had a crush on me for 4 years and did not tell me. Dammit. He drove a Mercedes when he was 17. !!!!!.

P/s again: Sadistic behaviour is good. I still feel a glow of warmth everytime I see a person I dislike get into shit. Woot.

P/s again: You're cool. And your non sub-standard English is cool too. And you probably feel like telling me off right now that you can't start a sentence with 'and'. But hey, it's 3.30am and I don't really care. Oh, what do you mean that I'm not supposed to start with 'but' too???


Rant more. It's all good!

3:17 AM  
Anonymous Yan said...

Oh shit...Long post :S

Sorry Ally...I think I need a blog of my own... :$

3:18 AM  
Blogger mooiness said...

I think it's safe to say that for the majority of us, high school sucked. All that stupid popularity thing .. oh you can't be friends with so-and-so because he/she's not cool/good-looking/rich enough. Trivial stuff. Which is why I never bothered going to my high school reunion, all the ppl that I want to see from back then I already stay in touch with regularly. The rest I just couldn't care less.

And you are right about "forgive and forget" - it's noble but I get a kick out of seeing someone get their comeuppance.

p.s. all this talk about girls being their own worst enemies reminds me of "Mean Girls". :)

11:04 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

yan:: lol its all good, ur welcome to rant here as much as u please. i thought u had a xanga though?

mooi: haha only the malaysian part of high school sucked for me. aussie high school was great :D

lol and yes, i WAS thinking of a certain 'plastic' when i wrote that story. although, i dont think she was pretty enough to warrant being a plastic.


11:48 AM  
Anonymous Yan said...

Lol, I have a xanga but I can't remember the last time I accessed it :S

Plus, I always get writer's block everytime I TRY to write something. I find impromptu rants , preferably on other people's blogs so much more liberating.


12:10 PM  
Blogger KE said...

wow, at least you're having your revenge . . . those girls are real bitches.

11:31 PM  

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